101 Things I Won't Do If Dealing With The Joker
by Sugary Snicket
Summary: NOTE: THIS is the ORIGINAL 101 Things Joker fic. The copy over in the Comics section of FFN is a copy that someone else uploaded and I am allowing it to exist. Once again, the issue has been taken care of, so do not R&R this fic just to say it's not mine.


101 Things I Must Not Do if I Must Deal With the Joker

1. I must not panic, no matter how terrified I am. Panicking will only make him want to kill me more.

2. I must not taunt the Joker.

3. I must not taunt the Joker.

4. I _MUST NOT_ TAUNT THE JOKER.

5. If I am a fan, I will not ask to hang out with him. He would probably rather kill me first.

6. If I value my life, I will never, ever glomp him.

7. No matter how much of a fan I am, I will not intentionally seek the Joker out unless I well and truly have a death wish or am extremely disturbed. Intentionally trying to find a psychotic clown is, in general, a very bad idea.

8. No matter how fun it might be, I must never dress up as the Joker and go running around Gotham like a nut. The real Joker will eventually wise up to me and kill me for my little stunt.

9. If I am ever taken captive by the Joker, I will do my best to seem twisted and psychotic. This will hopefully convince him that I am a better ally than a hostage, and I will therefore live longer and hopefully will be able to plan escape.

10. If I am dealing with Ledger Joker, I will not ask him about his scars. I will not joke about it. I will not speak of it. _Ever._

11. As fond as he is of the song, I must not sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells" over and over. He will eventually stop laughing and start slashing.

12. If I find myself in a position where I am being tortured, I will laugh as if my life depended upon it. It does. This will probably not work if the Joker is hell-bent on killing me afterwards anyway.

13. If the Joker asks me to smile, I will do it as sincerely as possible. No questions asked.

14. If I somehow manage to become a recruit instead of a hostage, I must not steal the Joker's outfit and run around in it. He will not be smiling anymore.

15. Clown jokes are not funny and not tolerated in or around the lair.

16. The squirting flower is not there for me to play with, and I must not play with it, especially not if the Joker himself or his other goons are around for me to spray.

17. I cannot sneak up on the Joker. He's probably monitoring me as we speak.

18. If I am dealing with Ledger Joker, I must not get into his make-up. He will be most unhappy with me.

19. I must not ask if we can egg or TP Bruce Wayne's house… more than once.

20. I will not quote the animated series Joker, any of the movie Jokers, or the comic Joker at any time. The lines were really only memorable the first time that they were used.

21. I must never, under any circumstances, mention the Batman TV show from the sixties with Adam West. The Joker does not like to speak about it, and chances are Batman feels the same way.

22. I must never, ever, _ever_ mention the surfing contest between Sixties Joker and Sixties Batman. Waves are not the only thing that the Joker can shred.

23. If I am a female goon and I value my life and sanity, I will not attempt to date the Joker. Bad things will happen.

24. I must not mention/poke fun at/annoy Harley Quinn. Ever.

25. Grinning or laughing as a response to the Joker's questions is not amusing or funny, and it will, contrary to popular belief, begin to annoy him after a while.

26. I will not suggest that we start taking jobs as clowns at children's birthday parties. That's one joke that the Joker really does not appreciate.

27. I must never play with any of the Joker's weapons.

28. I must not attempt to get high on Joker Venom. The results will not be good.

29. I must not repeatedly ask the Joker where he gets "all those wonderful toys."

30. I will not ask the Joker why he only leaves joker cards at the scene of the crime. It's just what he does.

31. Similarly, I will not ask what he does with the rest of the deck or how many decks he had to steal in order to get that many joker cards.

32. I will not ask why he smiles all the time. Again, it's just what he does.

33. I will not ask him to tone down the manic clown laughter. He will only refuse and threaten my life.

34. Similarly, I will not repeatedly ask him to stop "doing the creepy smile thing." He can't.

35. If the Joker, several goons and myself are all going somewhere by car, I must never, no matter how funny I would find it, repeatedly ask if we are there yet.

36. Unless the Joker himself planned it, using the stores of stolen money to rent out a carnival is not a good idea and not a funny April Fool's joke.

37. No matter how much I ask, the Joker will not run around Gotham with me on April Fool's Day playing 'safe' pranks on random-ass people.

38. Replacing Ledger Joker's green hair dye with any other color sounds like it would be a very good prank to play. It isn't.

39. I must never, under any circumstances, purposefully dull the Joker's knives. He will simply resharpen them – on my face.

40. I must not attempt to get the Joker to take up another hobby besides killing. He doesn't want to, and I really can't make him.

41. The Joker does not want to play a game of cards with me, and he does not appreciate the gag.

42. I will not refer to the Joker as Clownman, Psychopath, Purple Pimp Suit Man, Jokerman, or any other nickname besides what he already goes by.

43. I must not sing annoying songs or any song I find amusing while the Joker, his goons, and I are en route to some crime.

44. The Joker does not want to go see _The Dark Knight_ with me, nor does he want to see any other Batman movie.

45. I must not mention the Batman cartoon series. Ever.

46. If I have an idea for a crime or torture method, I must tell it to the Joker or risk having it tortured out of me.

47. The Joker is very fond of rock and roll, and tends to blast it very loud in the car and the lair. I therefore must never mess up the Joker's rock CD's or replace them with Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers CD's. I will not live to see dinnertime.

48. I will not suggest that we stalk and torture Hannah Montana to death, however satisfying it might be.

49. If I value my life, I will never attempt to lock the Joker in a closet with me, no matter how much of an insane fan I might be.

50. If I am afraid of clowns, I must never let the Joker find out about this. He _will_ use it against me.

51. Getting the Joker a red rubber clown nose as a gift is not funny in any way and will only get me sliced open, skinned alive, tortured, and stabbed to death, in that exact order.

52. Insane Clown Posse jokes are not appreciated by the Joker or any of his goons.

53. Hugging the Joker will get me killed. No questions asked.

54. I will not use Ledger Joker's video camera to shoot embarrassing and stupid videos that I later plan to post on Youtube. Bad things will happen.

55. The Joker does not want a pet. I will stop asking him about it. I will not mention it again.

56. I must not continually ask if I am going on the next murder spree with him. Once is enough, and if I really have to ask, the answer is probably no.

57. I will not call Ledger Joker Scarface. My end will be violent, brutal, and excruciatingly slow.

58. I must never replace Ledger Joker's clown masks with Jason masks, Michael Meyers masks, or animal masks. I will not live long.

59. I am not allowed to bring victims into the living area of the lair. Ever. Blood is very hard to get out of the carpet, and the screaming isn't good for everyone's stress levels.

60. I am allowed to dress up victims in clown garb either before or after I kill them. I am not allowed to flirt with, kiss, hug, pander, or otherwise sexually assault the victims.

61. The Joker is not "compensating for something" with his knives, rocket launcher, gun, or other weapons, and I must never suggest that he is.

62. I will not practice my Joker impression around the Joker himself. While it is true that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, it is not true that he likes copycats.

63. I will not snap photos of the Joker or find movie photos from the internet, caption them as if they were Cat Macros, and then post them online. I _will_ die. Violently, painfully, and slowly.

64. I will not mention Batman. _Ever._ The word "Batman" is a swearword, as is any other word dealing with Batman.

65. No matter how much I ask, the Joker will never tell me exactly how he repeatedly manages to break out of Arkham Asylum.

66. Following up every single statement that the Joker makes with "OBJECTION!" is not a good way to endear me to him. It _is_ a good way to get me killed, or at the very least, horribly maimed.

67. If I am dealing with Ledger Joker, I will not keep asking why he licks his lips all the time. It's just what he does.

68. Similarly, I must never suggest that the reason behind this behavior is sexual in nature. Bad things will happen.

69. I will not get the Joker an action figure of himself as a gift. While it is quite a novel joke and the Joker himself might appreciate the gag, it's really not that funny.

70. I must not, at any time, laugh at any of the Joker's puns in a derogatory or sarcastic way, especially in the middle of a murder, robbery, or heist.

71. If I value my life, I will never, ever, _ever_ tell the Joker that I think his puns are lame. I will not live to finish the next sentence.

72. No matter how angry I am, "Well, if you hate me so much, why don't you just kill me?" is not a good comeback in a verbal fight with the Joker. He will take it far too literally.

73. If I am a Harvey/Joker shipper and I value my life, I will not crack jokes, write fanfiction, draw artwork, or so much as mention this pairing to the Joker at any time. Doing so will cause very bad things to happen to me.

74. Worse things will happen to me if I mention the Batman/Joker pairing.

75. Even worse things will happen if I ever mention _Brokeback Mountain_ or any other Heath Ledger film to Ledger Joker.

76. Ledger Joker does not wish to speak about the nurse scene in _The Dark Knight_. I will therefore never mention it.

77. Humming the Batman theme in or around the Joker's vicinity is a very, _very_ bad idea. I therefore will not do it if I value my life.

78. If I am a fangirl, I must never quote the Joker in a provocative way. Very bad things will happen.

79. No matter how angry I am, I must never throw something at the Joker's head or any other part of his anatomy. I will not make it more than two steps before I die.

80. I will not suggest that the Joker "Just kick Batman where it hurts." He probably won't take me seriously.

81. If the Joker, several of his goons, and I are fighting against Batman, I will not casually ask, "Why don't you just shoot him?"

82. Playing Yakety Sax or Circus music whist the Joker, his goons, and I are in the middle of committing a crime is not amusing in any way, shape, or form and I will most certainly be tortured to death upon finishing the job in question.

83. Running around the lair dressed as a perfect doppelganger of the Joker is not a very good idea, as the Joker will obviously not take kindly to having someone running around in his place.

84. Though the Joker is indeed a psychopathic, sociopath clown, this does not mean that he does not easily annoy. Singing The Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves is, therefore, a _very_ good way to get on the Joker's nerves.

85. I will not 'Crank That Soulja Boy' in, near, or around the Joker's lair. He absolutely hates that song, and he hates the accompanying dance even more. If I do it, he _will_ 'crank' my neck in half.

86. It is never appropriate to call the Joker 'Hagrid' due to the sheer amount of pockets his jacket has. It is neither entertaining nor funny.

87. The Joker is not there for me to hide behind in the middle of a fight with Batman or anyone else. I will therefore never attempt to hide behind him. Hiding under his jacket is even worse and will get me shot before I ever have the chance to apologize. Not that it would matter much anyway.

88. Repeatedly asking Ledger Joker how he got his scars does, contrary to popular belief, get annoying after a while, first for you, as he tends to go on and on in elaborate stories about them, and then for him as he eventually tires of you asking him about it.

89. I will not keep asking Ledger Joker why he uses knives instead of guns. He _will_ eventually turn that blade onto me.

90. The Joker will indeed kill someone for a Klondike bar. I will therefore not ask again, lest I become the person that he kills for said frozen treat.

91. I will never try to talk the Joker out of getting shrimp for dinner. As a psychopath with at least fifteen knives on him at any given moment, he pretty much gets to decide what's for dinner _forever._

92. If the Joker _ever_ grins at me in a frightening way while looking at me with evil, insane glee, I must flee for my life. This will probably still not save me.

93. If I can see the Joker, he can see me. If I cannot see the Joker, running will not help. All I can do is hope to God that 'putting a smile on my face' is all he's going to do to me.

94. I am not Batman, and I must not assert this to the Joker. He will be mildly annoyed by my antics, but very pleased to see my blood on the ground.

95. I will not quote the Joker Interrogation Scene Spoof in, near, or around the Joker's lair, and especially not near or around the Joker himself.

96. If the Joker ever asks me if I want to see a magic trick, the correct answer is and always will be "No". He'll do it anyway, but at least I called it.

97. I must never, under any circumstances, interrupt the Joker while he is talking. I will die slowly, painfully, and bloodily.

98. The Joker does not want to play video games with me, especially anything having to do with the Wii. Also, Wii jokes are not permitted in, near, or around the lair.

99. I will not sing the Pinky and the Brain theme song when the Joker is about to reveal his plans for the next heist, robbery, murder, arson, or crime. As funny as it is to say that he's planning to take over the world, it gets really damn annoying after a while.

100. The Joker is not my 'bishie', and I must never, ever insist that he is, no matter how much of a fangirl I am.

101. I must never read this list aloud to the Joker, as – oh, shit. No! No, wait! I ju- kigvghloglfdgjlApahifew


End file.
